I screwed up pretty badly.

And while I won't go into the details, I have just had some pretty intense personal revelations.

There's a verse in Hebrews. Something about Esau, and the point of no return. And there was an article about that. The point of no return was when he decided that the things of this world were a greater reward than the things of heaven, and his heart had become so hardened that he was literally not able to truly repent. So, not that any person is denied salvation, for it has been offered to all, but that we by our own actions may take ourselves out of the race.

What does any of this have to do with me?

It has everything to do with me. It's when I say "I don't care" that I'm most in danger. I've been using "I don't care" a lot. In my head mostly, but also with people, in a variety of situations. And then God just kind of hits me over the head with this sledgehammer, and I realised exactly how close I was getting to "I don't care" about what I really believe in, and I had to think for a long moment before it terrified me like it very well should. With added terror because I had to think about it. I mean, really? It's only the most important thing in my life, the foundation of everything I am and choose to be. I didn't make that decision lightly at all, and now "I don't care"?

I did say at the time that I was making a decision I'd regret, and I did regret it eventually, enough to do something about it, which I think is the measure for true regret. I've resolved the issue(s) with all parties concerned as far as I am able. There's a clear path to move forward. Well, as clear as it ever gets, but God can make things pretty clear when he wants!

There are things I believe in very strongly. I can't not care about those things - but I can just not think about them, sometimes consciously, and it reaches the point where I just let stuff slide because it's not worth the fuss. "Just" is a nightmare of a word, isn't it?

My faith is always worth the fuss. It's time I remembered that.

Relevant reading: Hebrews. Entire book. It's very well written and structured.